The Cheerful Insanity of Me

January

• 1/1 is beginning to wonder if there are any marching bands left in America or have we actually managed to steal them all?
• 9/1 Although it's always nice to stop after a busy few days, the hard shoulder of the M1 wasn't quite what I had in mind...
• 14/1 Heading home to Old Kent Road from Mayfair. Do I get £200 now?
• 19/1 carefully set aside an evening in, so I could have at least 1 this month. Seem to have managed to spend it in Dulwich talking about fish...
• 22/1 has hobnails at the ready and is heading for the fens
• 28/1 is clearly not in London. The cash machines here all issue £5 notes.
• 31/1 found the recipe for banana and spaghetti curry in a charity shop. This has got to be tried...

February

• 1/2 is not lost in the suburbs of Manchester. Yay!
• 3/2 is definitely back in Cumbria. It's raining from all directions.
• 7/2 wonders if his flat has something against him leaving it. Why does something have to trip the electricity every time I come back?
• 16/2 hmmm.. flying saucepan lids?! Maybe I wondered off the recipe a little too much...
• 18/2 had forgotten how much fun it is to play ceilidh pinball with drunk people
• 20/2 seems to have managed to make himself a cup of tea for each hand.
• 25/2 is in Bristol

March

• 4/3 is in Oxford committing no nuisance.
• 11/3 is still not convinced that a cup of tea and a few biscuits is a fair exchange for a pint of blood.
• 13/3 is sure trains aren't supposed to get more convenient when there's engineering works on, but won't argue.
• 15/3 No longer has to run a rapper team. Wahoo, free time!
• 27/3 Outbreak of tweed in Hampstead. Could be the onset of BST.
• 28/3 200 miles to Edinburgh. Guess that means we're not there yet.
• 29/3 Hiding the tea in the wardrobe's cunning, but not cunning enough.
• 30/3 appears to be surrounded by pictures of people pulling teeth out through the ages.

April

• 4/4 Only 35 miles to Liverpool. Luckily we're going the other way.
• 6/4 At what point did my luggage get replaced with bricks? I knew learning to read was a mistake!
• 6/4 'This is Coventry. Please take care if leaving the train.' The announcer's clearly been here before!
• 11/4 loves the way Sky salesmen's eyes pop out when you tell them you don't have a TV.
• 15/4 2 hours of molly, 5 hours of travel. Which was I trying to practice again?
• 18/4 Ooo look... A chance to forget how many days in a normal working week. Now, is it 3 or 4?
• 23/4 St George's Day. Heading to Charlton. There be dragons.
• 25/4 has never been asked if he Morris dances for a living before.
• 29/4 So, when's the divorce? I could do with another bank holiday

May

• 3/5 Argument between binmen and a merc. My money's on the binmen.
• 7/5 Southwark said yes. Does that mean we get to AV while the rest of the country carries on with the dark ages?
• 7/5 supposes that you can't do a fisherman's dance without getting wet occasionally
• 27/5 Off to spend the weekend in Chippenhampton
• 29/5 has apparently finally managed be in 2 places at once.

June

• 3/6 3.5 days in London. Time to run away again...
• 12/6 A nice fun Sunday morning game of chase the train across London. Victoria to Blackfriars with no time and no tube is a little challenging.
• 17/6 is lucky he's not going to Hull
• 19/6 Given the amount of the summer I seem to spend in random fields, wonder if I should just seek temporary employment as a scarecrow.
• 20/6 Time to leave the land of white phone boxes.

July

• 9/7 has just had a lesson in why half the pubs in Walworth are closed. Alas, the future's not looking bright for the other half.
• 16/7 When was SE london annexed by Penrith?
• 24/7 There's something ever so suprising about colliding with a plastic cow on the way home in the early hours of the morning.
• 28/7 Is this plastic cow stalking me?

August

• 2/8 and so we move to my 7th desk. Career's definitely going somewhere. Shame "somewhere" appears to be a tour of the office.
• 3/8 Hello iliotibial bands, I think I preferred it when I was completely ignorant of your existance
• 8/8 Still no riots in the pub. Probably better carry on keeping an eye on the place though...
• 12/8 Fire engine outside the flat. Looks like they've been rioting in the dustbins. Won't find much to loot in there.
• 13/8 Burnt dustbin in middle of road. None missing though. Did they bring their own?
• 14/8 Another day, another treacle mine.
• 18/8 Time to pack for 2 weeks of the best northern English rain
• 19/8 Why aren't rucksacks designed for wearing 3 at once?
• 23/8 And so, after the weekend's sunny interlude, the traditional Whitby folk week weather arrives.
• 25/8 is not sure the swimming pool makes a great addition to the tent.
• 30/8 appears to have slept through the bank holiday weekend.
• 30/8 Standing in the garden, pretending to be a tree. Not my idea.

September

• 2/9 Dogs now seem to outnumber people on this train. I dare the next person to board to bring a cat.
• 2/9 Wonder if we can provoke mass hysteria by getting the whole train to play dead as we pull into the next station?
• 4/9 has just been accused of looking like a traffic warden. They obviously always wear top hats, cords and hobnails.
• 6/9 Teepee upgrade. More rooms and (hopefully) fewer water features.
• 6/9 Turns out if you whizz up lots of chillis in a food processor the result is quite hot. Also, tasting curry paste appears to be a bad idea.
• 14/9 must find nicer excuses to visit sisters and their families.
• 16/9 You can't pick your parents and just when you finally think you've figured them out, you lose one.
• 27/9 Oh no! Stampedeing pensioners.
• 29/9 If anyone needs me, I've taken up residence in the fridge.

October

• 1/10 Finally found somewhere from where the Shard looks small.
• 1/10 is at Crystal Palace. Only took 3 hours to walk here.
• 5/10 Time to flee the country
• 9/10 Bus early. Clearly not in Uk
• 14/10 Overheard quote of the day 'You couldn't imagine having a drink with George Osbourne'. Think I'm quite happy not to.
• 20/10 A review copy of 'Psychiatry under National Socialism'? Clearly must be an essential text when learning about wines and spirits.
• 22/10 Thought, from a distance, they'd put up a giant bouncey castle in Trafalgar Sq. Alas closer up it appears not.
• 26/10 Rainbow! Pot of gold looks to be in Walworth. Good place to hide it. No one will ever think of looking there.
• 29/10 It turns out that when navigating the back streets of Hither Green, it's actually quite useful to know where you're trying to get to.

November

• 2/11 Scotland, it's on went doorstep, but only if you live in Scotland. For the rest of us, it's miles away.
• 3/11 Numbering the floors differently in the lift and on the stairs? Cunning ploy. Almost tricked me there.
• 4/11 1 weekend to find the answer to the age old question: How many tables can I carry on a train? Suspect answer's not 4.
• 7/11 Ah, the Monday morning commute. 300 miles. Guess this may take a while.
• 12/11 Flat seems to be infested with swans.
• 17/11 has come to the conclusion that deepest darkest Kent is 90% hedge. Bit like Devon.
• 21/11 Argument between cyclist and car. Cyclist appears to be winning!
• 25/11 thinks he may have arrived in hell. They've rebranded it Euston. Staff still dressed in red though.
• 27/11 It's a long walk home from Coventry.
• 29/11 31 years en route to the lifelong ambition to be a grumpy old man

December

• 1/12 Every other word in the papers seems to be Osborne. Surely there's a good case to get rid of him to save on ink?
• 3/12 forgot that this close to London the word village actually means small town.
• 6/12 Loves pubs that say yes before you even ask the question. The world needs more.
• 9/12 "I'm not getting my own way so I'm not going to play anymore"? Did we really elect a 5 year old to run the country?
• 25/12 is wandering round a deserted city. Very post apocalyptic. Who needs the xmas day disaster movie!